Fierce

I haven't posted in awhile. With Bee's autoimmune hemolytic anemia, Adelaide starting school and Lucas fracturing his leg-- my days are busy. I have a confession. My vocation is not to be a blogger. There, I said it. I am not called to write on the internet. In fact, before Bernadette was a transplant patient, I would go days, close to a week without charging my phone or logging on to social media. I resisted instagram for the longest time and only recently started to occasionally use it. I never got into snapchat, twitter or the more ancient, myspace. In fact, if I could go off the grid entirely, I probably would for chunks of time. Yes, I'm aware my introvert is showing.

So now you know what I am not called for. And I'm sure you can recognize that I am called to be a mother. To help others. A fierce advocate. I never knew how fierce I could be or needed to be. 

It's childhood cancer awareness month. And Bernadette's diagnosis anniversary month. Which means it's the month I learned just how fierce I needed to be.

Don't mind the watermark. I used this picture on her medical page which I started as a way of not having to update a million times, call everyone every time something happened. And I resisted that too. I digress. 

This is us, September 20, 2014, right before we heard those three words... "we found something" followed by "please come in immediately." The last time we were normal. The last time I could say all my children were healthy. It was the last time that our biggest concern was where to buy our furniture from. 

You have never lived in pain until your child's life flashes before your eyes. Her life has over 20 times. See, I don't profess to be a theological scholar, though I did major in religious studies. Because I am no biblical scholar, I cannot quote verses or give detailed analysis. I'm not a mommy blogger who wants to sell homemade products or exercise programs. But I can tell you from my experience how feeling lost, feeling pain, sorrow, despair, hopelessness, agony, defeat, ultimately suffering, how it all leads to the cross.

This is us smiling days later before her tumor biopsy. You can see the bags under our eyes have grown. Back then, we were angry, despite the smiling faces. Who was God to give our 9 month baby cancer! I mean how dare He! Did He not recognize that we had plans that didn't include surgeries, hospitalizations, near death experiences, etc?

In this situation you either end up atheist and divorced from the emotional and financial strain placed on you or you stay married and become devout. Even though we were initially angry, the former was not an option. 

So am I angry now? No. God has this amazing plan for her story. He taught us the depths of love. Occasionally, I do get sad though. Being human means we have emotions. When I look back at that picture, I see a young family filled with promises and hopes much different from us now. Things that will most likely never happen. I'm not being pessimistic, just realistic. 

God has a plan, it's not void of pain but it filled with beauty. 

So, my sweet baby, Happy 3 year Cancerversary. May we all live life with such passion, such faith and such joy as you do. May we all teach others the meaning of God's love, as you do. 

Sts. Bernadette, Padro Pio, Catherine of Siena, Rita, Jude, Michael, pray for her! Our Lady of Lourdes, pray for her! Pray that she may continue to teach us about Christ's love and finding joy amidst your suffering. 

And pray for me, that I remain as fierce as that first day when we got the call....