What No One Tells You About Love

So God has blessed me with a best friend that has seen me through so many things, relationships, etc. She watched, almost, the entire journey of my entering the church and has loved me, unconditionally, like a sister throughout the craziness. She and I had kids at the same time, moved cross country around the same time and she's Bee's Godmother. I can always count on her for prayers or advice or a shoulder to cry on/someone to cry with. Last night we were discussing the demands of life, complete with sacrifices, demands of motherhood, finishing kids desserts, and the love languages of men and women. Ya know, light fluff that doesn't get your brain stirring too much before you turn in....right? She brought up this prayer of St. Francis: Lord, make me an instrument of your peace: where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy. O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console, to be understood as to understand, to be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen As mothers, we are called to give until it hurts, wipe tears, listen to every problem, heal every wound and love unconditionally. As wives, among other things, we are called to meet the emotional needs of our husbands in their love language, and love them love unconditionally. As sisters in the church, we are called to forgive our neighbors, help them and spread the love of Christ throughout the world. That's a whole lot of self sacrifice. Sometimes you just want to throw a shoe at all that responsibility and scream, “what about me!? I want to be consoled. I want to be understood. I want to be loved.” On any given day the responsibility can drive a sane woman bonkers. And you can see that St. Francis is asking to suppress all that me, me, me, I, I, I nonsense. So after some banter back and forth, I said this to her: “Love is the hardest, most difficult choice you ever make because it requires suppression of that innate need we all have...and giving it to someone else freely.” “This!” She said, “write about this!” I wasn't sure if I wanted to open this can of worms. Millennials, according to society, do not know the definition of self sacrifice and secular life most does not promote this idea. When non-Catholic people hear of the whole joy in sacrifice, joy in suffering piece they think we are all striving to be Albino monks with a cilice chasing after Tom Hanks. Which is not the case! Movies are not always based on truth! I digress. So let's break it down. 

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Love is hard. Love is difficult.

True love isn't what can you do for me, it's the emotion that occurs when you care deeply for someone despite what they don't do for you. It's the emotion that doesn't have strings. It's the unspoken tethering that occurs during quality time with another. It's in the sound of your voice which you affirm that another is a good person, did an amazing job, etc. It's in your touch as you hug your children after they fall from their bike or your spouse has a difficult day at work. Love is cooked into every family dinner, no matter how terrible it tastes or every load of laundry done. Love can even be taped under paper and bows from time to time. What makes it hard? The fact that you shouldn't have strings. There are no score cards. You don't get points for loving someone "more" than they do for you.

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Love is a choice.

You make the choice to spend the rest of your life with your spouse. Your choice is to be open to life with children instead of prescribing to the societal pressures of murder, I mean, abortion. Even when it doesn't look like there's any choices, there is always one. Putting yourself aside to truly love someone is a choice you're making to not be a miser, a modern day Mr. Scrooge who only thinks of yourself consistently. 

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Suppression of that innate need.

The innate need is to be loved ourselves! To be the one that is consoled. Our programming is to receive, to be understood, to have the world focus on our needs, wants and emotions.  

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And give it to someone else freely.

Again the idea of love is unconditional, without strings or expectations. This is hard. With our emotions involved, we come with bags of expectations from childhood issues, failed relationships, and precious heartache. To wipe all of that clean, to give your love freely despite every ounce of your being screaming “what about me” is not easy. Then again, if love were easy it wouldn't be love. It would be lust. It would be greed. It would be your pick of sin. Love is pure. Love is the hardest, most difficult choice to make. Dirty diapers, hospital stays, dinner, going to work on days you'd rather stay in bed, helping with math homework, letting your spouse take a hot shower after a rough day even if the kids are too much to handle at the moment, kissing booboos, a welcome home hug--it's all love. Under no circumstances am I saying not to practice self care. You should never run yourself completely dry, rather, this post isn't talking about caring for yourself. Most people know how to do that just fine.  (Yes, I know, some do not.) The purpose of this post is to show that love, between a husband and wife or a parent and child, isn't one sided. That in all its frustration, the choice to truly love has many benefits. Let's all make the choice to recite the St. Francis prayer for a week. Yup, every morning for one whole week and see how God has moved us from self love to selfless love. How our love for each other drops it's strings and becomes real, true and the best choice we've ever made. For "Whoever is without love does not know God, for God is love" (1 John 4:8 NABRE.)

In Him, Kate